Everyday life with teenagers is a challenge for many parents. You often don't even notice they are home until the Wi-Fi goes down. If you try to make contact, you get a "Don't know," "Fine," or "Wait" as an answer. In the evening, you can't get them into bed, and in the morning, you can't get them out. They are constantly hungry, the fridge is always empty, as is the shower gel. The 'last' years from 13 to 19 are really exhausting again, but that has to be the case so that the children can detach themselves. But please don't see everything negatively; you need a good portion of humor and a lot of understanding.
It is just as difficult for the teenagers; there are the parents who meant everything to them (did they?) and now they have to find their own place. There are many demands and changes for the teenagers. The brain is suddenly a major construction site, and hormones cause emotional roller coaster rides. So they don't do it to annoy us parents, but because our dear teenagers just have to go through it now, and we parents have to go along with it.
7 important key points for getting along well with teenagers
Very importantly, teenagers don't need upbringing anymore; that's over, that's already happened. Now it's about agreeing on a few rules and laws with the teenagers, just as they apply in adult life, in order to get along well with each other. Address topics very openly and always listen well.
Good communication
One of the most important points: communication with teenagers, but at eye level. Don't treat the pubescents like toddlers anymore. Clear communication, even if not much comes back, keep seeking dialogue and show that you are there and can listen AND take their problems and concerns seriously.
Setting boundaries
Formulate very clearly what boundaries exist in this house. The teenagers must then also live with the consequences, just like we adults do. Teenagers like to provoke, but don't put up with it and don't avoid these conversations. Also, stand up for your own opinion and listen carefully to the opinion of the 'pubescent'. Take their feelings and problems seriously and address them specifically.
No more prohibitions than necessary
Focus really on the most important points here. Agree on curfews, e.g., for the week or for the weekend, together. If they have a say, the teenager will be more willing to stick to agreements. Also, agree on a Plan B: e.g., when going out: if the last train is missed, call a taxi but pay for it yourself from your pocket money. This is either accepted or it works.
Be careful with overly strict prohibitions; this often leads to it happening behind the parents' backs anyway. Loosen overly rigid prohibitions, and here too, it is best to let the child have a say. Give the child a head start in trust so that they can prove their reliability. And don't be too strict if it doesn't work out once or twice. Who was always on time as a teenager, for example??
Parents are not buddies
That doesn't work anymore! Now is the time to detach yourself from your child in a loving way. As a parent, your only job now is to be present when they need you, and yes, you are allowed to be embarrassing sometimes. It doesn't help if you like things harmonious; a teenager likes to rub against something and needs a counterpart for that. Even if it takes strength: face conflicts and let things fly every now and then.
Show tolerance
Punishing, scolding, and threatening is now only counterproductive. As mentioned before, stay in a relationship and address topics openly and discuss them like with an adult – also listen to the teenager's points of view in peace. Patronizing is also a thing of the past. The teenager must learn to take responsibility for themselves and live with decisions; they need a lot of practice for that. The more they can practice it under our roof now, the better it will work in the future. Letting go is the magic word for us parents.
Accept privacy
Teenagers want to distance themselves and no longer tell everything. Therefore, please do not flip through their diary, scroll through a chat history, or just storm into their room without knocking. It is quite normal that the boyfriend or girlfriend now learns the secrets.
Counseling services for parents and children
If nothing works anymore, get help from a therapist or a counselor. Often, deeper-seated, older hurts come to light again due to the teenager's behavior.
Remembering your own time as a teenager
It often helps me when I remember my own time. Who didn't lock themselves in their room and listen to music very loudly? Kept a diary? Discussed everything with their girlfriend? My room was always messy.
It helps to keep the positive qualities of teenagers in mind:
- Feeling joy: Teenagers can often really laugh beautifully with each other. Their laughter can be so infinitely contagious.
- Lots of potential: Teenagers still have soooo big dreams and ideas and radiate a contagious energy. Many can lose themselves in their fantasy world and see the world quite differently. It would be so nice if they kept that.
- Being critical: Teenagers can be wonderfully critical. They recognize feigned interest, inconsistent behavior, and don't just do things because that's how it's always been done. Something like that takes a lot of courage and initiative! Be happy that your child is trying to think along and change things. Feel free to debate with the 'pubescent' sometimes; it can be very enlightening.
- Sensitive: As provocative as teenagers can be, they are actually just as sensitive. They have to process so many emotions. That often just becomes too much for them and has to come out.
- Being creative: Creativity is very important for teenagers, new clothing style, new music genre, they are so beautifully open to new things. We parents should be too.
More time for yourself again
When the children were small, we had almost completely deleted the word 'free time' from our vocabulary. Now is the time to integrate it again. That's not always easy, but you'll see, it does soooo much good. Try to remember what you liked to do, sports activities or crafts? Have you always wanted to learn Spanish? Or attend a dance class?
If you have a partner, then this is the moment when you can do something together as a couple again. Sports activities, such as playing tennis, golfing, or a dance class, are suitable here. Going out nicely every now and then, looking at a totally trendy exhibition in peace, or going to the cinema and not having to choose a children's movie. It is also very pleasant to do something with a friend, even if it's just sitting together and chatting in peace.
Anyone who wants to be useful can help: voluntarily or part-time. There are plenty of projects here where you can get involved. Reading grandma/reading grandpa in elementary school, helping out at "The Red Cross Food Bank" are just a few projects that are happy to have helpers. Fill your calendar with 'your own' appointments again and do what you enjoy.
Teenager is also just a phase
Can you still remember? The defiant age? How exhausting the nights were with the baby? Everything is just a phase and this is the last big hurdle. It will pass, the skin will become smoother, the moods will level out again, and suddenly there sits a real adult who wants to write their own story. Hug your big child (if they allow it once) and watch what they make of it.
Read also:Â Ideas for birthday parties for children and teenagers aged 10 and over
Photo by Sabine, meinhaushalt.at
